I forgot!

Yes, repronex really hurts. I had myself halfway convinced it was all in my head, but alas, it hurts like a #$%@*. It isn't the needle, but the muscle pain after about half of the liquid has been injected in. My poor rear end!

Chugging along

Well chugging gatorade at least in hopes of preventing OHSS. My estradiol level was 861 yesterday so there's a lot of activity going on in those ovaries. I go in tomorrow for another estradiol check and an ultrasound. The love wand really hurts when your ovaries are huge like mine are at this point. Oh well - giving birth hurts too I've heard. LOL I hope I'm ready for the trigger shot tomorrow because that would mean a CHRISTMAS DUE DATE! Yes, I'm obsessed with that. My grandpa had a Christmas birthday so it would make it extra special. I started clomid the week he died so I think of him often as we go through this journey to conceive.

Here's some random things going on this weekend: We watched 300 today. I'm glad I wasn't there with my parents! I've never seen so many six-packs in my life. The story line was good too. Last night we got a flat tire on the way to eat dinner and we took care of that this morning. There's a tornado warning one county to the west of here so hopefully the house is still standing at the end of the day. Jon's on call tomorrow so I'd better get off the computer so I can hang out with him.

Wake up eggies!

I had my first estradiol check since starting stimulation drugs and it was a whopping 318 this morning. Last IVF I didn't get a number that high until after 6 days of stims and I've only had 3 days of stims so far. I hope this means they get more eggs this time around and not that I'll overstimulate.

This is the last day that my bootie won't hurt for hopefully about 8 weeks since I start repronex shots tonight. I'm really not looking forward to the hip/butt shots. Last IVF I bawled uncontrollably for about half an hour after my first repronex shot. They're more painful for me than any other shot. Hopefully it won't be as bad this time now that we've figured out some techniques with ice and heat and massage. The follistim shots sting, but they're not too bad. Currently I only have one bruise on my stomach and a few on my legs from lupron. My stomach is pretty bloated though and my jeans don't fit very well. I sound like such a complainer! I'm actually really happy with how things are going so far and I'm feeling pretty good. I go in for another estradiol check on Friday morning so then we'll have a better idea of when the egg retrieval will take place.

I saw my friend Jenny last night and we went out to eat at Chili's. I have a great group of friends from college that I don't get to see very often so it was nice to catch up. I even let her in on this whole IVF deal.

I just talked to my sister Emily on the phone and she's going to come help me after the egg retrieval. She's going to bring her son Milo so I'm looking forward to some smooches. He's such a cutie! Last time my parents helped and they were fantastic nurses, but I'm going to spread the pleasure around now. It'll be so fun to have Emily and Milo around to keep me company!

Follistim here we come!

My first stimulation shot of follistim is tonight. I'm excited and a little nervous to start this phase of IVF. I hope I don't get overstimulated and then have to freeze the embryos and wait. That was a chief concern last cycle, but then I ended up not getting stimulated enough and not getting enough extra embryos to freeze for the future. Either outcome isn't too great. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty optimistic, just a little nervous. Not very many people in the real world know that we're trying again right now. That cuts out many of the questions that we had to deal with last time. Plus, it would be really fun to be able to surprise some special people like grandparents!

We went to a wedding last night for another oral surgeon. It was beautiful. The union at University of Iowa is really nice - even if it is in Hawkeye country. Go Cyclones! Jon was on call and he got pages twice while we were there. He had an interesting day yesterday. As soon as he got home and sat down his pager went off and he went back to the hospital. That happened more than once. He'll be on call in house twice this week (as in he can't leave the hospital at all) so I'm either going to have to give myself my shots (eek!) or bring all my meds to the hospital for him to do it. I don't know which would be better. I get a little sick to my stomach when I watch shots so I don't know if I'll be able to give myself two.

One of my friends on pregnancy.org found out that her IVF pregnancy is ending in miscarriage on Friday. I'm so sad for her. Once again, it makes me angry. I think she'll be a great mom some day. I just wish it would be about 9 months from now. A couple of my friends from my clomid days are having their babies now. I'm so happy for them. Things do work out sometimes.

Angry Andrea

I've been pretty optimistic and happy lately, wouldn't you say? Today, Angry Andrea reared her ugly head. At school the other day I noticed that one of my students had put on some weight and was wearing clothes that didn't flatter her figure. I had a brief thought that she could be pregnant, but kind of let it pass since I hadn't heard any rumors about that. However, when I saw her today, she was definitely wearing a maternity top. I happened to see the nurse in the hall and I asked her about it and GUESS WHAT! She's pregnant! Not only that, but her due date is August 3rd - a week before my EDD was. Why the heck did I have the miscarriage when it would have almost been a blessing for her? ARGH!!!!! Also, this is a girl in my homeroom so I'll see her every single day (it's amazing really that I hadn't put two and two together earlier). Every time I see her I'm going to have a reminder of my angels and the unfairness of life. It sucks to be her and me. This really adds another incentive to getting pregnant this cycle. Otherwise I'm going to be tortured for the rest of the year (I might be anyway). I really wasn't in the mood to teach my last class of the day right after I found out this news. I made it through though.

In other news, AF decided to arrive. I'm going in for an estradiol check and assuming my numbers are fine, they're starting me on stims on Sunday. My estimated ER by them is April 2nd, but I'm thinking it'll be more like April 5th. Who knows though because I'll be on a much larger dose of stims this time around. Yikes!

I've been replaced.

Yesterday I found out that the school has hired someone for my position next year. He's a young guy (in fact, kids thought he was a JUNIOR HIGH student when they saw him in the hall). However, he's really smart and should be able to handle the advanced placement curriculum. I hope he isn't one of those people that's so smart that he can't explain things in a simple manner. In any case, it isn't my problem!

I started lupron last night. It wasn't too big of a deal. I didn't even freak out or cry this time so Jon was proud of me. I might try to give myself some of the shots this cycle because Jon will be on call some nights. We'll see if that actually happens. So far I'm not feeling any side effects, but I wasn't affected by lupron last time either. The next step is stopping birth control pills and waiting for my period.

In other news, my parents are going to Florida at the end of the month. They'll probably be getting back right around my egg retrieval time. That makes me glad that I left them out of the loop. Maybe they'll be able to enjoy their vacation more if they aren't worried about me. My sister Emily knows what's going on because she might come to help if Jon can't get away from work. That would be fun! We could watch chick flicks and I could boss her around all day. I've always wanted to boss around my big sister - it's pay back for when she used to make me clean OUR room. It's amazing how sweet she turned out.

Interesting article

The following is an article that I've seen on multiple infertility bulletin boards, but unfortunately I'm not sure where it came from. I think it does a nice job of inspiring women like myself.

INFERTILITY
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Burn, baby burn

I have had a very painful few days. Saturday I could feel a sudden UTI coming on and we tried everything to get it to go away naturally. I even drank baking soda in water to no avail. I started antibiotics on Sunday, but ended up having to go to the emergency room yesterday because I couldn't function at work and was in so much pain. Now I'm on super strong antibiotics and feeling better. Thank goodness. It was getting to the point where I couldn't remember how it felt to not be in pain. It's amazing how it only takes a few days to get me down.

I just got home from doing parent-teacher conference. I was there for four hours and only had about ten parents visit. That's fine with me. In these days with online grades, personal contact just isn't necessary. It's nice, but not necessary. In fact, most of my contact with parents is through email instead of phone or in person. Every facet of my life is becoming more and more connected to the computer. I have a beautiful leather journal, but instead I find myself typing my thoughts here. I guess it's just easier.

They're starting to interview for my job next week. I hope they find someone good! I've given a few suggestions on questions/things they should look for, but it really isn't up to me and that's okay.