Life is Good

I snuggled Mina in bed for quite a while this morning. It's such a wonderful way to start my day. She smiles at me when I say "good MORNing," to her and she's usually in such a great mood before and after her first feeding. I'm really getting into the groove of things. I'm a better mommy every day. It definitely helps that I'm feeling better. My stitches don't sting anymore and I don't have to take Tylenol every day. I can go to the bathroom without fear of pain. I'm no longer bleeding either. I bet I'll be feeling like myself again in about a month. I'll start to exercise again sometime soon since I still have some weight I'd like to lose (about 18 pounds, 7 to get to my prepregnancy weight).

There are days that I cry from happiness. I feel so lucky to have Mina. Her smiles and coos just undo me. It was such a journey to get here and I'm not taking her for granted. She's my little miracle. Anytime she's fussy I think of my online friend Vicky. Triggers ahead (contains infant loss story). She was due within days of me and conceived with IVF also. She had her little girl via emergency c-section. Tragically, Zara died from meconium aspiration. That really scares me since Mina had expelled meconium and I was minutes from an emergency c-section. It could have so easily been me instead of Vicky mourning the loss of my sweet little girl. It's just too painful to even think about. I am sooooo lucky that I can hardly believe it. I think of Vicky every day. She's such a wonderful woman and it makes no sense to me why these things happen.

Since this post has already turned negative, I wanted to list somewhere while it's all fresh in my mind what I'd like to do differently with my next pregnancy.
-Get a doppler to use at home to hear the heartbeat. I think it would have really calmed me in the time before I felt baby movement and they aren't that expensive.
-Exercise more regularly. Maybe it would have moved Mina into a better position for delivery.
-Don't get my membranes stripped. That put me into labor and maybe Mina would have moved into a better position if she would have been given a few more days.
-Get the epidural sooner rather than later. I was in so much pain and puking that my body wasn't progressing (partly because of the back labor).
-Schedule a c-section if it's determined that the baby is in anterior position. I will not go through back labor and a forceps delivery again.
-Insist on an ultrasound near the end of pregnancy to determine baby's position.
-Get pregnant so that the due date is sometime in the spring or summer. That way I won't be stuck in the house with a small baby and toddler.

I truly enjoyed my pregnancy and there's very little I would change. The labor and delivery is where my regrets lie. However, I had no way of knowing what to expect since we didn't know Mina's position until it was too late.

6 Week Post Partum Appointment

TMI Ahead. I had my appointment yesterday and Dr. M said that I'm healing well. She said it'll still be quite a while before I'm completely healed. I didn't get the go ahead to have normal relations with Jon or to exercise. She said to wait at least a month since I still have a couple of stitches that haven't dissolved. At least the exam wasn't all that painful. I've been feeling better emotionally since last week. It helped to visit family and to have time with Jon last weekend. I miss him! I'm glad I'm not where I was at last year at this time. I was so worried that we'd never have a biological child and I'd never get to experience pregnancy. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mommy.

Mina has been a little sweetheart today. Here's a cute picture I took of her.

PPD, PTSD, or Normal?

I've been a little nutty the last week. I don't know if it's a touch of post partum depression, post traumatic stress disorder (yes, the labor experience was THAT bad), or just normal new mommy stuff. I have a lot of anxiety and stress over really little things. I get really angry at Jon for no reason or for reasons that he has no control over like his hours at work. I'm still in physical pain and can't walk for very long. My body hurts every other day and it seems to depend on whether TMI AHEAD! I've had a bowel movement recently or not. Today is one of those painful days so hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm not looking forward to the car ride to FD tonight, but at least I've learned my lesson and will bring a pillow to sit on. It's hard for me to believe that many women are intimate with their husbands at 6 weeks post partum. Even if I felt good physically, I'd still be tired and irrationally angry.

Mina's baptism is on Sunday. The cousins will get to meet Mina on Saturday and I'm excited about that. I haven't gotten to see them for a long time. They're a big reason I wanted a kid so bad. Seeing such wonderful kids will probably get me out of my funk for a little while. I enjoy the baby stage, but I still look forward to the toddler/child stage when we can interact more. Mina is smiling every day so it's only a matter of time until she laughs and baby talks.

Pumping

We tried out the breast pump for the first time tonight. I sure feel like a cow that's been milked. We both got a big case of the giggles watching my nipple go in and out. Now we'll need to see if Mina will eat if her daddy gives her a bottle.

Jon is talking to Dr. P this weekend about possibly joining his practice in a couple of years. It would be nice to end up in FD, but I don't have my heart set on it. We're also going to be in FD this weekend for Mina's baptism.

I'm still recovering physically at 5.5 weeks. There's no way we'll be able to be intimate at the traditional 6 weeks. I guess I'm just lucky that I have control of my bodily functions considering how badly I tore. It really was a traumatic experience and I feel very sad when I think about my labor and delivery. It was bad enough for me to consider scheduling a c-section for next time to avoid the puking and tearing.