About 90%

I'd say I'm at about 90% healed now. Yay! Now that the weather is better I'm able to have much more fun with Mina. We went on a nice walk around the lake a couple of days ago. She smiled and cooed at me and I counted my blessings. I am one lucky mommy! She's sleeping well these days. Last night she had a 9.5 hour stretch which was awesome. I'll need to remember this for when we have our next kid - babies are much easier at a little past 2 months and it takes a few months for the body to heal. Here's a picture I took of Mina this morning (right after she had a big blowout in her diaper LOL).

Two Months Out

Things are continuing to go well. Mina is such a delight most of the time. She's really starting to get a personality and laughed for the first time yesterday. She's awake a lot more so we're doing what we can to entertain her. We had a great night last night. She watched Baby Mozart while Jon and I ate a nice dinner together. She snuggled us up and didn't cry for no apparent reason. I even had enough energy to do the laundry, do some shopping, and cook a dinner with side dishes.

I'm still not fully healed as I discovered when I got groceries a few days ago. For some reason, I usually am in so much pain after getting groceries that I cry on my way home. It sucks! It's been two months and I still feel at least some pain each and every day. I miss being able to work out, do normal activity, and be intimate with Jon. Don't get me wrong, Mina is worth it all, but I wasn't expecting the recuperation to take this long. My OB estimated that most of my healing would be done by the end of next week so I hope I continue to get better. In any case, I bought more baggy pants yesterday and some new tennis shoes.

My weight loss has stalled. I'm 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight and I'd like to lose at least 18 pounds. I've had a crazy appetite for sweets lately and have been totally giving in to it so that certainly isn't helping matters. Jon has no idea what kind of yucky stuff I eat during the day. I'm sure he'd be horrified.

I'm so excited that the weather should be getting better soon. It'll be wonderful to go on walks outside! Euclid has been very neglected this winter. I'm also excited that it's almost April. Jon is taking a ton of vacation days in April and we're planning a trip to San Diego. I've never been to California or seen the Pacific Ocean before.

Life is Good

I snuggled Mina in bed for quite a while this morning. It's such a wonderful way to start my day. She smiles at me when I say "good MORNing," to her and she's usually in such a great mood before and after her first feeding. I'm really getting into the groove of things. I'm a better mommy every day. It definitely helps that I'm feeling better. My stitches don't sting anymore and I don't have to take Tylenol every day. I can go to the bathroom without fear of pain. I'm no longer bleeding either. I bet I'll be feeling like myself again in about a month. I'll start to exercise again sometime soon since I still have some weight I'd like to lose (about 18 pounds, 7 to get to my prepregnancy weight).

There are days that I cry from happiness. I feel so lucky to have Mina. Her smiles and coos just undo me. It was such a journey to get here and I'm not taking her for granted. She's my little miracle. Anytime she's fussy I think of my online friend Vicky. Triggers ahead (contains infant loss story). She was due within days of me and conceived with IVF also. She had her little girl via emergency c-section. Tragically, Zara died from meconium aspiration. That really scares me since Mina had expelled meconium and I was minutes from an emergency c-section. It could have so easily been me instead of Vicky mourning the loss of my sweet little girl. It's just too painful to even think about. I am sooooo lucky that I can hardly believe it. I think of Vicky every day. She's such a wonderful woman and it makes no sense to me why these things happen.

Since this post has already turned negative, I wanted to list somewhere while it's all fresh in my mind what I'd like to do differently with my next pregnancy.
-Get a doppler to use at home to hear the heartbeat. I think it would have really calmed me in the time before I felt baby movement and they aren't that expensive.
-Exercise more regularly. Maybe it would have moved Mina into a better position for delivery.
-Don't get my membranes stripped. That put me into labor and maybe Mina would have moved into a better position if she would have been given a few more days.
-Get the epidural sooner rather than later. I was in so much pain and puking that my body wasn't progressing (partly because of the back labor).
-Schedule a c-section if it's determined that the baby is in anterior position. I will not go through back labor and a forceps delivery again.
-Insist on an ultrasound near the end of pregnancy to determine baby's position.
-Get pregnant so that the due date is sometime in the spring or summer. That way I won't be stuck in the house with a small baby and toddler.

I truly enjoyed my pregnancy and there's very little I would change. The labor and delivery is where my regrets lie. However, I had no way of knowing what to expect since we didn't know Mina's position until it was too late.

6 Week Post Partum Appointment

TMI Ahead. I had my appointment yesterday and Dr. M said that I'm healing well. She said it'll still be quite a while before I'm completely healed. I didn't get the go ahead to have normal relations with Jon or to exercise. She said to wait at least a month since I still have a couple of stitches that haven't dissolved. At least the exam wasn't all that painful. I've been feeling better emotionally since last week. It helped to visit family and to have time with Jon last weekend. I miss him! I'm glad I'm not where I was at last year at this time. I was so worried that we'd never have a biological child and I'd never get to experience pregnancy. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mommy.

Mina has been a little sweetheart today. Here's a cute picture I took of her.

PPD, PTSD, or Normal?

I've been a little nutty the last week. I don't know if it's a touch of post partum depression, post traumatic stress disorder (yes, the labor experience was THAT bad), or just normal new mommy stuff. I have a lot of anxiety and stress over really little things. I get really angry at Jon for no reason or for reasons that he has no control over like his hours at work. I'm still in physical pain and can't walk for very long. My body hurts every other day and it seems to depend on whether TMI AHEAD! I've had a bowel movement recently or not. Today is one of those painful days so hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm not looking forward to the car ride to FD tonight, but at least I've learned my lesson and will bring a pillow to sit on. It's hard for me to believe that many women are intimate with their husbands at 6 weeks post partum. Even if I felt good physically, I'd still be tired and irrationally angry.

Mina's baptism is on Sunday. The cousins will get to meet Mina on Saturday and I'm excited about that. I haven't gotten to see them for a long time. They're a big reason I wanted a kid so bad. Seeing such wonderful kids will probably get me out of my funk for a little while. I enjoy the baby stage, but I still look forward to the toddler/child stage when we can interact more. Mina is smiling every day so it's only a matter of time until she laughs and baby talks.

Pumping

We tried out the breast pump for the first time tonight. I sure feel like a cow that's been milked. We both got a big case of the giggles watching my nipple go in and out. Now we'll need to see if Mina will eat if her daddy gives her a bottle.

Jon is talking to Dr. P this weekend about possibly joining his practice in a couple of years. It would be nice to end up in FD, but I don't have my heart set on it. We're also going to be in FD this weekend for Mina's baptism.

I'm still recovering physically at 5.5 weeks. There's no way we'll be able to be intimate at the traditional 6 weeks. I guess I'm just lucky that I have control of my bodily functions considering how badly I tore. It really was a traumatic experience and I feel very sad when I think about my labor and delivery. It was bad enough for me to consider scheduling a c-section for next time to avoid the puking and tearing.

Back to Normal

It's nice to have my privacy back even though this will be published again someday. The post partum bleeding has finally stopped and I got some sleep last night so I'm in a good mood. Mina is upstairs sleeping in her crib listening to lullabies.

For future reference, I'd like to actively try to get pregnant again in the summer of 2009 so the earliest due date I'd have would be spring of 2010. That means we'll have to visit the RE sometime in the spring of 2009 to get the ball rolling. We won't prevent and I'll chart to know when/if to test prior to that, but I have no delusions that we'll get pregnant naturally. Now that we have Mina, I know that I'd rather not have a baby so soon with Jon's residency schedule. We both need our sleep and he can't be as much help as we'd like. Hopefully we won't have any problems with IVF, or at least will have time for a few attempts prior to him finishing his residency.