Life is Good

I snuggled Mina in bed for quite a while this morning. It's such a wonderful way to start my day. She smiles at me when I say "good MORNing," to her and she's usually in such a great mood before and after her first feeding. I'm really getting into the groove of things. I'm a better mommy every day. It definitely helps that I'm feeling better. My stitches don't sting anymore and I don't have to take Tylenol every day. I can go to the bathroom without fear of pain. I'm no longer bleeding either. I bet I'll be feeling like myself again in about a month. I'll start to exercise again sometime soon since I still have some weight I'd like to lose (about 18 pounds, 7 to get to my prepregnancy weight).

There are days that I cry from happiness. I feel so lucky to have Mina. Her smiles and coos just undo me. It was such a journey to get here and I'm not taking her for granted. She's my little miracle. Anytime she's fussy I think of my online friend Vicky. Triggers ahead (contains infant loss story). She was due within days of me and conceived with IVF also. She had her little girl via emergency c-section. Tragically, Zara died from meconium aspiration. That really scares me since Mina had expelled meconium and I was minutes from an emergency c-section. It could have so easily been me instead of Vicky mourning the loss of my sweet little girl. It's just too painful to even think about. I am sooooo lucky that I can hardly believe it. I think of Vicky every day. She's such a wonderful woman and it makes no sense to me why these things happen.

Since this post has already turned negative, I wanted to list somewhere while it's all fresh in my mind what I'd like to do differently with my next pregnancy.
-Get a doppler to use at home to hear the heartbeat. I think it would have really calmed me in the time before I felt baby movement and they aren't that expensive.
-Exercise more regularly. Maybe it would have moved Mina into a better position for delivery.
-Don't get my membranes stripped. That put me into labor and maybe Mina would have moved into a better position if she would have been given a few more days.
-Get the epidural sooner rather than later. I was in so much pain and puking that my body wasn't progressing (partly because of the back labor).
-Schedule a c-section if it's determined that the baby is in anterior position. I will not go through back labor and a forceps delivery again.
-Insist on an ultrasound near the end of pregnancy to determine baby's position.
-Get pregnant so that the due date is sometime in the spring or summer. That way I won't be stuck in the house with a small baby and toddler.

I truly enjoyed my pregnancy and there's very little I would change. The labor and delivery is where my regrets lie. However, I had no way of knowing what to expect since we didn't know Mina's position until it was too late.

6 Week Post Partum Appointment

TMI Ahead. I had my appointment yesterday and Dr. M said that I'm healing well. She said it'll still be quite a while before I'm completely healed. I didn't get the go ahead to have normal relations with Jon or to exercise. She said to wait at least a month since I still have a couple of stitches that haven't dissolved. At least the exam wasn't all that painful. I've been feeling better emotionally since last week. It helped to visit family and to have time with Jon last weekend. I miss him! I'm glad I'm not where I was at last year at this time. I was so worried that we'd never have a biological child and I'd never get to experience pregnancy. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mommy.

Mina has been a little sweetheart today. Here's a cute picture I took of her.

PPD, PTSD, or Normal?

I've been a little nutty the last week. I don't know if it's a touch of post partum depression, post traumatic stress disorder (yes, the labor experience was THAT bad), or just normal new mommy stuff. I have a lot of anxiety and stress over really little things. I get really angry at Jon for no reason or for reasons that he has no control over like his hours at work. I'm still in physical pain and can't walk for very long. My body hurts every other day and it seems to depend on whether TMI AHEAD! I've had a bowel movement recently or not. Today is one of those painful days so hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm not looking forward to the car ride to FD tonight, but at least I've learned my lesson and will bring a pillow to sit on. It's hard for me to believe that many women are intimate with their husbands at 6 weeks post partum. Even if I felt good physically, I'd still be tired and irrationally angry.

Mina's baptism is on Sunday. The cousins will get to meet Mina on Saturday and I'm excited about that. I haven't gotten to see them for a long time. They're a big reason I wanted a kid so bad. Seeing such wonderful kids will probably get me out of my funk for a little while. I enjoy the baby stage, but I still look forward to the toddler/child stage when we can interact more. Mina is smiling every day so it's only a matter of time until she laughs and baby talks.

Pumping

We tried out the breast pump for the first time tonight. I sure feel like a cow that's been milked. We both got a big case of the giggles watching my nipple go in and out. Now we'll need to see if Mina will eat if her daddy gives her a bottle.

Jon is talking to Dr. P this weekend about possibly joining his practice in a couple of years. It would be nice to end up in FD, but I don't have my heart set on it. We're also going to be in FD this weekend for Mina's baptism.

I'm still recovering physically at 5.5 weeks. There's no way we'll be able to be intimate at the traditional 6 weeks. I guess I'm just lucky that I have control of my bodily functions considering how badly I tore. It really was a traumatic experience and I feel very sad when I think about my labor and delivery. It was bad enough for me to consider scheduling a c-section for next time to avoid the puking and tearing.

Back to Normal

It's nice to have my privacy back even though this will be published again someday. The post partum bleeding has finally stopped and I got some sleep last night so I'm in a good mood. Mina is upstairs sleeping in her crib listening to lullabies.

For future reference, I'd like to actively try to get pregnant again in the summer of 2009 so the earliest due date I'd have would be spring of 2010. That means we'll have to visit the RE sometime in the spring of 2009 to get the ball rolling. We won't prevent and I'll chart to know when/if to test prior to that, but I have no delusions that we'll get pregnant naturally. Now that we have Mina, I know that I'd rather not have a baby so soon with Jon's residency schedule. We both need our sleep and he can't be as much help as we'd like. Hopefully we won't have any problems with IVF, or at least will have time for a few attempts prior to him finishing his residency.

Going Private

Now that there isn't a whole lot to post and I'm so busy, I'm going to make this blog private again very soon. This website will no longer be active and I'll be moving to a new address that is yet to be determined. I figure that it's better to do it now instead of right before we start to try for baby #2 since we'll want our privacy while going through the IVF process again. Plus, I don't know how much I'll blog here anyway for the next year or so. My online friends are welcome to visit the new address since this website is partly for your support. Just let me know if you want the address.

Don't think you have us figured out from this post. We aren't trying to be sneaky. I'm going to get really annoyed if someone thinks we're trying for baby #2 already just because I'm changing the blog. Keep in mind that I had a fourth degree tear...and make your own conclusions about the possibility of a pregnancy. If you're super excited/interested to know more info about tears, then here is an informative, slightly nasty link. I know you'll miss my TMI posts. Hahaha. If you're pregnant, then don't visit the link. YOUR labor and delivery will be over in a couple of hours and you'll be kickboxing within a week of delivery.

Make sure you bookmark Mina's website if you haven't already because I'll try to keep that going strong. Hopefully my photography will improve once my subject is a little easier to pose.

Luckiest Daughter in Law

My in laws were here for the last few days and boy am I lucky! My house is now dusted (it had been about a month) and vacuumed. The snow was shoveled. I've been well fed and I'm pretty well rested. I really won the lottery when it comes to in laws. I'm glad that I was given the advice to never turn down help and to ask for it because it really has given me a boost of energy. Grandma Cathy changed countless diapers and got up in the night to rock Mina when I was too tired and needed a break. It was wonderful having extra hands during the day also. As much as I love Mina, it's nice to be able to hand her off to other loving hands. Her other grandparents are coming this weekend so that will be nice since Jon will be on call again on Saturday.

We think Mina might be smiling these days. She responds to kisses and strange noises. I tried to give her a pacifier this morning because she was snacking on me for an hour off and on. She wasn't interested, but hopefully that will change. She's also grown out of a couple things and is wearing a new outfit today that is sized 3 months instead of 0-3 months. That's exciting for me because she has lots of cute stuff that size.

Emily is trying to come up with the perfect name for her little boy that is due in June. She's making me itch to have another baby already! Too bad we're going to wait at least a year before doing anything. It'll probably be longer because I'd rather not have a winter due date again. It would be nice to be able to take baby on a walk outside, but it's ridiculously cold these days. Also, we tried to walk outside to get things moving in December, but it was very icy. I think a spring due date would be nice. There I go again...I never learned the lesson that I can't plan these things. It's kind of funny that I'm looking to the future when I'm still so sore that I can only shop around Target for about half an hour before wearing out. That's a testament to my baby obsession.