Lupron appointment

I had my lupron appointment today. They used the love wand to make sure there wasn't anything strange going on inside and I got the all clear. Woo hoo! We also got the tentative schedule for IVF #2. I'll start lupron on March 14th and take my last birth control pill on March 17th. It still strikes me as weird that I have to be on birth control to get pregnant. Anyway, my period should come around March 19th and then I'll go in for blood work to see when stimulation will start. It'll probably be about March 23rd when I get my first shot of follistim for this cycle. They're predicting my egg retrieval to be April 2nd. Let's see how many of these dates end up being exactly right. I'm feeling more excited now that I have a schedule and no delays.

Feeling down

It's Friday night and I'm home alone because Jon wanted to go out and I didn't feel like it. I'm somewhat tired and I haven't seen any of these people for a while. That means they might be wondering if I'm pregnant and I really don't want to get into that topic. I didn't want to keep Jon from friends, but I'm somewhat antisocial at times as people that know me well realize. I've dreaded seeing people since the miscarriage because it's so awkward because people knew we went through IVF and are naturally curious.

There isn't much going on with me. I've been feeling sad for about a week now. I'm also very, very angry about all that we have to go through to get pregnant. Why us? What if I'm never able to have biological children? What if we have to resort to donor sperm/donor eggs/donor embryos? What an ethical nightmare. What if we're faced with childlessness or adoption as our only choices? I really, really want to be pregnant and go through childbirth at least once in my life. I used to want to have four kids and now I'll be happy if I can just have one. How many years will we struggle with infertility? Even if IVF works for us this time, will I always hurt from all that I've gone through? Will I always think about my baby that was supposed to be born on August 10th? I'd be 15 weeks pregnant today. Why do all of the other wonderful ladies that I've met online have to go through this? There are so many women out there hurting. I just feel so powerless and sad.

I'm going to go to bed. Maybe I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

Snow Day

I don't have to go to school today. I'd really rather have a 2 hour delay since we don't have to make that up. This is just a little vacation day sent from the sky. This means our last day of school is now June 1st, but the last day with kids is May 31st. I knew getting done in May was too good to be true. I'm going to have a lazy day today. I need to get Jon a Valentine's present and I'd like to finish my book. I'm reading "She's Come Undone". It's really depressing, but at least it's a change from my romance novels.

I called yesterday to let the IVF clinic know AF (aunt flow) arrived. Could you believe the nurse tried to delay me even though AF came at the right time (wink, wink)? I talked her into asking the doctor to not delay me and I GOT MY WAY! Woo hoo! I guess they wanted to delay me because my estimated egg retrieval time was already full in their schedule. Well, excuse me, but don't they know that I'm the most important person in the world? Jeez! I suspected with my last cycle that they rearranged my schedule for that same reason, but I'm on to them now. I'm hoping that timing will be similar to my last IVF attempt because then I have a good chance at a Christmas baby. How cool would that be? Christmas is normally my favorite holiday. Hopefully next Christmas will be the best Christmas ever.

I'm a big fat liar!

Is it okay to lie to your doctor to keep your sanity? My period started one day earlier than it was supposed to in order to fit into the next IVF cycle and I'm going to lie and say it started when it should have. I just can't handle waiting up to three months because my period came one day early. If God lets crackheads have babies, then surely impatient control freaks are allowed to have babies also. Patience is a virtue I'm lacking and I'm not willing/unable to change. I really don't think patience is what I'm supposed to get out of the infertility journey. I have gained some patience - but come on... What I've learned is that I'm not in control of everything and I've gained more empathy towards others. My miscarriage has helped me to understand someone close to me better also.

Obviously we aren't expecting a miracle baby, but I'm doing just fine with that. I'd love to have a Christmas baby or two. I'm not nearly as scared of IVF this time around since I survived last time. I'm dreading the sore rear end and lack of sleep though. My belly and my butt were so sore in November and December that I just couldn't get comfortable. If I get pregnant with twins, then I'm sure I'll be uncomfortable in bed again!

Could it be? The big O

Now stop thinking dirty thoughts. Those of us in the TTC (trying to conceive) world only worry about the big "O" of ovulation. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last Friday so that means I should have a period at exactly the right time for the next IVF cycle. Happy dance! I could possibly be pregnant right now, but it's so unlikely given our prognosis that I'm not even excited about that chance. I'm anxious to start our next IVF cycle.

I'd love to have a miracle baby, but I think I'd lie to non-family and let them think it was IVF. Isn't that crazy? Here's my reasoning: Few things are more annoying than people that try to comfort you with the story of so-and-so who didn't get IVF to work and now has a baby or a friend of a friend that has an adopted baby and a baby on the way. That is so unusual and not comforting in the slightest. I have to resist the urge to jump up and strangle anyone that relates a similar story to me. I understand that it happens, but giving up is generally not the best way to make a baby. Comforting me with stories of failed IVF attempts while I'm going through IVF just doesn't help. Now if raspberry vodka has some fertility benefits, then I may be in business. We'll see in a week if vodka aids in fertilization. LOL

I had a rough week at school. I didn't realize that simplifying radical expressions was brain surgery. Silly me! Maybe I should have given my kids the actual answers to the test instead of a practice test with answers. If they had the answers, then they would have studied the answers enough to at least get C's. I'm glad to be getting out of education because I find it very frustrating. I do my best and try to be available and approachable and still my kids complain and put out little effort. I'm working harder than they are and it shouldn't be that way. I get paid either way and I'm already educated. They're the ones that have the most to gain at school. Maybe I just have the teacher version of senioritis since the end is near. It's not all bad though. Kids are starting to find out I'm leaving and I've had a couple ask me about it and say they're going to miss me and that I'm a good teacher. That's so nice to hear. Hopefully when I'm done I'll remember more of the good than the bad.

Wow

So yesterday I decided to do a full-on exercise routine and boy am I paying for it today. Here's the back story: In July 2003 I started using The Firm about 4 days a week up until May 2005. My goal was to be in the best shape possible before I would get pregnant in the summer of 2005. I can't believe I ever thought it would be so easy! I was in fantastic shape, not overly thin, but very strong and toned. The reason I stopped is because I didn't have a period for a few months and I was testing to see if my exercise was the problem. Plus, I figured I'd be pregnant soon and I'd do a pregnancy workout instead. Days became weeks, weeks became months and now I'm horribly out of shape and heavier than I've ever been. I've gained about fifteen pounds since we first started to try to get pregnant. I have exercised sporadically since my regular routine stopped, but not enough, obviously. I even have a Gazelle which I use while I watch TV. That's better than sitting around, but I don't even break a sweat in about 45 minutes. I'm going to try to do better until I'm on stims again for IVF. They don't really want you exercising strenuously during a cycle. That has only added to my out of shape problem.

Yesterday we bought all new appliances for our kitchen. It's fun to spend money, but it was a lot. Hopefully it will help our house stand out when we sell it in a few years. Everything is stainless steel Whirlpool. We have reasons for getting rid of our old stuff. The microwave sucked! It was very weak and didn't even have a turntable. The stove has those nasty burners that stick up and are definitely not level, plus the oven handle is all yellowed and cracked. The dishwasher was okay, but the racks came off track a few times. The fridge was fine, but we kind of had to replace it also to make everything match. We didn't really want to buy all white appliances. It would have been less expensive, but it wouldn't have made too much of an aesthetic change. We'll get everything in about a week and a half. Woo hoo!

Stupid body

Even with medication my body isn't predictable. Argh. Hopefully I'll get a period shortly after Feb. 3rd or I'm afraid I might not get to try IVF again until this summer. I don't think I can handle waiting that long emotionally.

In other news, I officially quit my job on Thursday. It's really strange to know I won't be going back next year. I'm sure I'll get more excited near the end of the year. Who knows what I'll be doing instead. Hopefully I'll be pregnant so I don't need to find another "career" and can just find something part-time.

In some weird ways I'll miss my commute next year. I've been listening to books on CD and it makes me look forward to the drive home. The latest book is "Dear Jon" by Nicholas Sparks. He writes such romantic drivel.