Feeling down

It's Friday night and I'm home alone because Jon wanted to go out and I didn't feel like it. I'm somewhat tired and I haven't seen any of these people for a while. That means they might be wondering if I'm pregnant and I really don't want to get into that topic. I didn't want to keep Jon from friends, but I'm somewhat antisocial at times as people that know me well realize. I've dreaded seeing people since the miscarriage because it's so awkward because people knew we went through IVF and are naturally curious.

There isn't much going on with me. I've been feeling sad for about a week now. I'm also very, very angry about all that we have to go through to get pregnant. Why us? What if I'm never able to have biological children? What if we have to resort to donor sperm/donor eggs/donor embryos? What an ethical nightmare. What if we're faced with childlessness or adoption as our only choices? I really, really want to be pregnant and go through childbirth at least once in my life. I used to want to have four kids and now I'll be happy if I can just have one. How many years will we struggle with infertility? Even if IVF works for us this time, will I always hurt from all that I've gone through? Will I always think about my baby that was supposed to be born on August 10th? I'd be 15 weeks pregnant today. Why do all of the other wonderful ladies that I've met online have to go through this? There are so many women out there hurting. I just feel so powerless and sad.

I'm going to go to bed. Maybe I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.