Interesting article

The following is an article that I've seen on multiple infertility bulletin boards, but unfortunately I'm not sure where it came from. I think it does a nice job of inspiring women like myself.

INFERTILITY
Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

Burn, baby burn

I have had a very painful few days. Saturday I could feel a sudden UTI coming on and we tried everything to get it to go away naturally. I even drank baking soda in water to no avail. I started antibiotics on Sunday, but ended up having to go to the emergency room yesterday because I couldn't function at work and was in so much pain. Now I'm on super strong antibiotics and feeling better. Thank goodness. It was getting to the point where I couldn't remember how it felt to not be in pain. It's amazing how it only takes a few days to get me down.

I just got home from doing parent-teacher conference. I was there for four hours and only had about ten parents visit. That's fine with me. In these days with online grades, personal contact just isn't necessary. It's nice, but not necessary. In fact, most of my contact with parents is through email instead of phone or in person. Every facet of my life is becoming more and more connected to the computer. I have a beautiful leather journal, but instead I find myself typing my thoughts here. I guess it's just easier.

They're starting to interview for my job next week. I hope they find someone good! I've given a few suggestions on questions/things they should look for, but it really isn't up to me and that's okay.

Lupron appointment

I had my lupron appointment today. They used the love wand to make sure there wasn't anything strange going on inside and I got the all clear. Woo hoo! We also got the tentative schedule for IVF #2. I'll start lupron on March 14th and take my last birth control pill on March 17th. It still strikes me as weird that I have to be on birth control to get pregnant. Anyway, my period should come around March 19th and then I'll go in for blood work to see when stimulation will start. It'll probably be about March 23rd when I get my first shot of follistim for this cycle. They're predicting my egg retrieval to be April 2nd. Let's see how many of these dates end up being exactly right. I'm feeling more excited now that I have a schedule and no delays.

Feeling down

It's Friday night and I'm home alone because Jon wanted to go out and I didn't feel like it. I'm somewhat tired and I haven't seen any of these people for a while. That means they might be wondering if I'm pregnant and I really don't want to get into that topic. I didn't want to keep Jon from friends, but I'm somewhat antisocial at times as people that know me well realize. I've dreaded seeing people since the miscarriage because it's so awkward because people knew we went through IVF and are naturally curious.

There isn't much going on with me. I've been feeling sad for about a week now. I'm also very, very angry about all that we have to go through to get pregnant. Why us? What if I'm never able to have biological children? What if we have to resort to donor sperm/donor eggs/donor embryos? What an ethical nightmare. What if we're faced with childlessness or adoption as our only choices? I really, really want to be pregnant and go through childbirth at least once in my life. I used to want to have four kids and now I'll be happy if I can just have one. How many years will we struggle with infertility? Even if IVF works for us this time, will I always hurt from all that I've gone through? Will I always think about my baby that was supposed to be born on August 10th? I'd be 15 weeks pregnant today. Why do all of the other wonderful ladies that I've met online have to go through this? There are so many women out there hurting. I just feel so powerless and sad.

I'm going to go to bed. Maybe I'll feel better after a good night's sleep.

Snow Day

I don't have to go to school today. I'd really rather have a 2 hour delay since we don't have to make that up. This is just a little vacation day sent from the sky. This means our last day of school is now June 1st, but the last day with kids is May 31st. I knew getting done in May was too good to be true. I'm going to have a lazy day today. I need to get Jon a Valentine's present and I'd like to finish my book. I'm reading "She's Come Undone". It's really depressing, but at least it's a change from my romance novels.

I called yesterday to let the IVF clinic know AF (aunt flow) arrived. Could you believe the nurse tried to delay me even though AF came at the right time (wink, wink)? I talked her into asking the doctor to not delay me and I GOT MY WAY! Woo hoo! I guess they wanted to delay me because my estimated egg retrieval time was already full in their schedule. Well, excuse me, but don't they know that I'm the most important person in the world? Jeez! I suspected with my last cycle that they rearranged my schedule for that same reason, but I'm on to them now. I'm hoping that timing will be similar to my last IVF attempt because then I have a good chance at a Christmas baby. How cool would that be? Christmas is normally my favorite holiday. Hopefully next Christmas will be the best Christmas ever.

I'm a big fat liar!

Is it okay to lie to your doctor to keep your sanity? My period started one day earlier than it was supposed to in order to fit into the next IVF cycle and I'm going to lie and say it started when it should have. I just can't handle waiting up to three months because my period came one day early. If God lets crackheads have babies, then surely impatient control freaks are allowed to have babies also. Patience is a virtue I'm lacking and I'm not willing/unable to change. I really don't think patience is what I'm supposed to get out of the infertility journey. I have gained some patience - but come on... What I've learned is that I'm not in control of everything and I've gained more empathy towards others. My miscarriage has helped me to understand someone close to me better also.

Obviously we aren't expecting a miracle baby, but I'm doing just fine with that. I'd love to have a Christmas baby or two. I'm not nearly as scared of IVF this time around since I survived last time. I'm dreading the sore rear end and lack of sleep though. My belly and my butt were so sore in November and December that I just couldn't get comfortable. If I get pregnant with twins, then I'm sure I'll be uncomfortable in bed again!

Could it be? The big O

Now stop thinking dirty thoughts. Those of us in the TTC (trying to conceive) world only worry about the big "O" of ovulation. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last Friday so that means I should have a period at exactly the right time for the next IVF cycle. Happy dance! I could possibly be pregnant right now, but it's so unlikely given our prognosis that I'm not even excited about that chance. I'm anxious to start our next IVF cycle.

I'd love to have a miracle baby, but I think I'd lie to non-family and let them think it was IVF. Isn't that crazy? Here's my reasoning: Few things are more annoying than people that try to comfort you with the story of so-and-so who didn't get IVF to work and now has a baby or a friend of a friend that has an adopted baby and a baby on the way. That is so unusual and not comforting in the slightest. I have to resist the urge to jump up and strangle anyone that relates a similar story to me. I understand that it happens, but giving up is generally not the best way to make a baby. Comforting me with stories of failed IVF attempts while I'm going through IVF just doesn't help. Now if raspberry vodka has some fertility benefits, then I may be in business. We'll see in a week if vodka aids in fertilization. LOL

I had a rough week at school. I didn't realize that simplifying radical expressions was brain surgery. Silly me! Maybe I should have given my kids the actual answers to the test instead of a practice test with answers. If they had the answers, then they would have studied the answers enough to at least get C's. I'm glad to be getting out of education because I find it very frustrating. I do my best and try to be available and approachable and still my kids complain and put out little effort. I'm working harder than they are and it shouldn't be that way. I get paid either way and I'm already educated. They're the ones that have the most to gain at school. Maybe I just have the teacher version of senioritis since the end is near. It's not all bad though. Kids are starting to find out I'm leaving and I've had a couple ask me about it and say they're going to miss me and that I'm a good teacher. That's so nice to hear. Hopefully when I'm done I'll remember more of the good than the bad.