Snow Day

I don't have to go to school today. I'd really rather have a 2 hour delay since we don't have to make that up. This is just a little vacation day sent from the sky. This means our last day of school is now June 1st, but the last day with kids is May 31st. I knew getting done in May was too good to be true. I'm going to have a lazy day today. I need to get Jon a Valentine's present and I'd like to finish my book. I'm reading "She's Come Undone". It's really depressing, but at least it's a change from my romance novels.

I called yesterday to let the IVF clinic know AF (aunt flow) arrived. Could you believe the nurse tried to delay me even though AF came at the right time (wink, wink)? I talked her into asking the doctor to not delay me and I GOT MY WAY! Woo hoo! I guess they wanted to delay me because my estimated egg retrieval time was already full in their schedule. Well, excuse me, but don't they know that I'm the most important person in the world? Jeez! I suspected with my last cycle that they rearranged my schedule for that same reason, but I'm on to them now. I'm hoping that timing will be similar to my last IVF attempt because then I have a good chance at a Christmas baby. How cool would that be? Christmas is normally my favorite holiday. Hopefully next Christmas will be the best Christmas ever.

I'm a big fat liar!

Is it okay to lie to your doctor to keep your sanity? My period started one day earlier than it was supposed to in order to fit into the next IVF cycle and I'm going to lie and say it started when it should have. I just can't handle waiting up to three months because my period came one day early. If God lets crackheads have babies, then surely impatient control freaks are allowed to have babies also. Patience is a virtue I'm lacking and I'm not willing/unable to change. I really don't think patience is what I'm supposed to get out of the infertility journey. I have gained some patience - but come on... What I've learned is that I'm not in control of everything and I've gained more empathy towards others. My miscarriage has helped me to understand someone close to me better also.

Obviously we aren't expecting a miracle baby, but I'm doing just fine with that. I'd love to have a Christmas baby or two. I'm not nearly as scared of IVF this time around since I survived last time. I'm dreading the sore rear end and lack of sleep though. My belly and my butt were so sore in November and December that I just couldn't get comfortable. If I get pregnant with twins, then I'm sure I'll be uncomfortable in bed again!

Could it be? The big O

Now stop thinking dirty thoughts. Those of us in the TTC (trying to conceive) world only worry about the big "O" of ovulation. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last Friday so that means I should have a period at exactly the right time for the next IVF cycle. Happy dance! I could possibly be pregnant right now, but it's so unlikely given our prognosis that I'm not even excited about that chance. I'm anxious to start our next IVF cycle.

I'd love to have a miracle baby, but I think I'd lie to non-family and let them think it was IVF. Isn't that crazy? Here's my reasoning: Few things are more annoying than people that try to comfort you with the story of so-and-so who didn't get IVF to work and now has a baby or a friend of a friend that has an adopted baby and a baby on the way. That is so unusual and not comforting in the slightest. I have to resist the urge to jump up and strangle anyone that relates a similar story to me. I understand that it happens, but giving up is generally not the best way to make a baby. Comforting me with stories of failed IVF attempts while I'm going through IVF just doesn't help. Now if raspberry vodka has some fertility benefits, then I may be in business. We'll see in a week if vodka aids in fertilization. LOL

I had a rough week at school. I didn't realize that simplifying radical expressions was brain surgery. Silly me! Maybe I should have given my kids the actual answers to the test instead of a practice test with answers. If they had the answers, then they would have studied the answers enough to at least get C's. I'm glad to be getting out of education because I find it very frustrating. I do my best and try to be available and approachable and still my kids complain and put out little effort. I'm working harder than they are and it shouldn't be that way. I get paid either way and I'm already educated. They're the ones that have the most to gain at school. Maybe I just have the teacher version of senioritis since the end is near. It's not all bad though. Kids are starting to find out I'm leaving and I've had a couple ask me about it and say they're going to miss me and that I'm a good teacher. That's so nice to hear. Hopefully when I'm done I'll remember more of the good than the bad.

Wow

So yesterday I decided to do a full-on exercise routine and boy am I paying for it today. Here's the back story: In July 2003 I started using The Firm about 4 days a week up until May 2005. My goal was to be in the best shape possible before I would get pregnant in the summer of 2005. I can't believe I ever thought it would be so easy! I was in fantastic shape, not overly thin, but very strong and toned. The reason I stopped is because I didn't have a period for a few months and I was testing to see if my exercise was the problem. Plus, I figured I'd be pregnant soon and I'd do a pregnancy workout instead. Days became weeks, weeks became months and now I'm horribly out of shape and heavier than I've ever been. I've gained about fifteen pounds since we first started to try to get pregnant. I have exercised sporadically since my regular routine stopped, but not enough, obviously. I even have a Gazelle which I use while I watch TV. That's better than sitting around, but I don't even break a sweat in about 45 minutes. I'm going to try to do better until I'm on stims again for IVF. They don't really want you exercising strenuously during a cycle. That has only added to my out of shape problem.

Yesterday we bought all new appliances for our kitchen. It's fun to spend money, but it was a lot. Hopefully it will help our house stand out when we sell it in a few years. Everything is stainless steel Whirlpool. We have reasons for getting rid of our old stuff. The microwave sucked! It was very weak and didn't even have a turntable. The stove has those nasty burners that stick up and are definitely not level, plus the oven handle is all yellowed and cracked. The dishwasher was okay, but the racks came off track a few times. The fridge was fine, but we kind of had to replace it also to make everything match. We didn't really want to buy all white appliances. It would have been less expensive, but it wouldn't have made too much of an aesthetic change. We'll get everything in about a week and a half. Woo hoo!

Stupid body

Even with medication my body isn't predictable. Argh. Hopefully I'll get a period shortly after Feb. 3rd or I'm afraid I might not get to try IVF again until this summer. I don't think I can handle waiting that long emotionally.

In other news, I officially quit my job on Thursday. It's really strange to know I won't be going back next year. I'm sure I'll get more excited near the end of the year. Who knows what I'll be doing instead. Hopefully I'll be pregnant so I don't need to find another "career" and can just find something part-time.

In some weird ways I'll miss my commute next year. I've been listening to books on CD and it makes me look forward to the drive home. The latest book is "Dear Jon" by Nicholas Sparks. He writes such romantic drivel.

Getting out

I told my principal that this is my last year of teaching. He told me they didn't want me to go but respected my position. I've clued him in on everything that's been going on since I've had to have substitutes and not been myself for a long time. It's sad, but I really think it's the right decision. I guess I'm a weird teacher because I'll miss my kids the most. It's so fun to watch them grow and get to know them through the years. Maybe it's because I teach the smart kids?

Another delay

My plans were foiled and I won't get to squeeze into the January/February cycle. It's a long story, but basically I can't do stimulation drugs until March 14th or later because of the methotrexate shots on December 14th. We're on hold until then so I guess it's time to get healthy and enjoy being free.

I'm reading a book called "About What Was Lost" by Jessica Berger Gross. It has twenty stories of women that have been through miscarriages. Boy, there are some messed up ladies in the world. I've always thought of myself as a weakling after having some emotional problems in high school, but now I'm feeling strong in comparison. There are ladies that cry every day for months on end after a miscarriage. I have my bad days, but life does go on. It is helpful for me to read these stories though.

For some reason it IS a little embarassing for people to know that I miscarried. I really don't know why. I think a big part of it is that I don't want to make other people uncomfortable around me. I feel like my infertility and now miscarriage problems kind of put me in a different world from most people. It's hard for people to relate and to know what to say. The other day one of my coworkers came out and asked me how my IVF treatment turned out and I just blurted out the fact that I miscarried. She shut up then. This is one of the ladies that also told me her first child was an antibiotic accident right after I said we'd been trying for a year and a half. Duh! People also love to tell me about friends of friends that got pregnant after they decided to adopt. How do all of these people know that same couple? It's just crazy! Maybe if we'd just relax suddenly all medical problems would disappear. Yeah, that's it.

If you're reading this and you aren't one of my internet friends, then I must be pregnant. How cool! I don't plan on sharing this until it takes a more positive spin. It's okay for people to know about my pain in retrospect, but I don't want people knowing about it while I'm still going through it and don't know if it's going to have a happy ending.

It's time to go watch ER so I'll end here. Jon is all excited because Scrubs is supposed to be a musical next week. Ah, the simple pleasures in life.