The Fever

I have a case of baby fever at the moment. I met my friend Kim's baby boy yesterday and he was so adorable and tiny. I wish I could get pregnant right away. Mina would be 16 months by the time the baby would come. LOL! This will pass in a few days and then I'll be able to stick to my very reasonable plan of waiting.

And now for the TMI: Still no signs of AF and no ovulation. I take my temps sporadically just to see what's going on. Plus, at times there is a small chance of pregnancy if our timing was right. I'd say I'm 100% back to normal for daily activities and 30% back to normal in the bedroom. Maybe I should go to the doctor to see what can be done about the pain at my scar site during certain *ahem* activities. I never expected to still be in pain at more than 6 months out from delivery. Mina was worth it though!

Four Months

Mina is four months old today and life is pretty fantastic. She sleeps 10 hours straight at night, giggles frequently, smiles tons, and snuggles as much as we'll let her. We've been blessed with an easy baby. I appreciate her every day and hate to put her to bed at night because I miss her when I'm not with her. The only negative is that she's scared of strangers already, but that was bound to happen at some point. I'm truly enjoying being a mom and can honestly say she's worth everything we went through to get her and more.

I'm wearing jeans and comfortable in them for the first time today. I had worn them a few times before this, but I didn't button them and they hurt my bottom. I still have a lot of weight to lose. I haven't started exercising (other than walking) and my appetite is alarming. I'm not too worried about it at this point, but I definitely want to get into shape again. Nursing has shed a lot of pounds, but I don't think it's helping anymore.

AF hasn't made an appearance yet and I haven't ovulated. That's okay because the likelihood of me getting pregnant is so low. I don't need to start worrying about that already. I'd love to be pregnant again now. I held my friend Amanda's week old baby and it really made me want another tiny baby immediately. My friend Lynelle is expecting another baby in November so I'll have to live vicariously through her (again).

About 90%

I'd say I'm at about 90% healed now. Yay! Now that the weather is better I'm able to have much more fun with Mina. We went on a nice walk around the lake a couple of days ago. She smiled and cooed at me and I counted my blessings. I am one lucky mommy! She's sleeping well these days. Last night she had a 9.5 hour stretch which was awesome. I'll need to remember this for when we have our next kid - babies are much easier at a little past 2 months and it takes a few months for the body to heal. Here's a picture I took of Mina this morning (right after she had a big blowout in her diaper LOL).

Two Months Out

Things are continuing to go well. Mina is such a delight most of the time. She's really starting to get a personality and laughed for the first time yesterday. She's awake a lot more so we're doing what we can to entertain her. We had a great night last night. She watched Baby Mozart while Jon and I ate a nice dinner together. She snuggled us up and didn't cry for no apparent reason. I even had enough energy to do the laundry, do some shopping, and cook a dinner with side dishes.

I'm still not fully healed as I discovered when I got groceries a few days ago. For some reason, I usually am in so much pain after getting groceries that I cry on my way home. It sucks! It's been two months and I still feel at least some pain each and every day. I miss being able to work out, do normal activity, and be intimate with Jon. Don't get me wrong, Mina is worth it all, but I wasn't expecting the recuperation to take this long. My OB estimated that most of my healing would be done by the end of next week so I hope I continue to get better. In any case, I bought more baggy pants yesterday and some new tennis shoes.

My weight loss has stalled. I'm 7 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight and I'd like to lose at least 18 pounds. I've had a crazy appetite for sweets lately and have been totally giving in to it so that certainly isn't helping matters. Jon has no idea what kind of yucky stuff I eat during the day. I'm sure he'd be horrified.

I'm so excited that the weather should be getting better soon. It'll be wonderful to go on walks outside! Euclid has been very neglected this winter. I'm also excited that it's almost April. Jon is taking a ton of vacation days in April and we're planning a trip to San Diego. I've never been to California or seen the Pacific Ocean before.

Life is Good

I snuggled Mina in bed for quite a while this morning. It's such a wonderful way to start my day. She smiles at me when I say "good MORNing," to her and she's usually in such a great mood before and after her first feeding. I'm really getting into the groove of things. I'm a better mommy every day. It definitely helps that I'm feeling better. My stitches don't sting anymore and I don't have to take Tylenol every day. I can go to the bathroom without fear of pain. I'm no longer bleeding either. I bet I'll be feeling like myself again in about a month. I'll start to exercise again sometime soon since I still have some weight I'd like to lose (about 18 pounds, 7 to get to my prepregnancy weight).

There are days that I cry from happiness. I feel so lucky to have Mina. Her smiles and coos just undo me. It was such a journey to get here and I'm not taking her for granted. She's my little miracle. Anytime she's fussy I think of my online friend Vicky. Triggers ahead (contains infant loss story). She was due within days of me and conceived with IVF also. She had her little girl via emergency c-section. Tragically, Zara died from meconium aspiration. That really scares me since Mina had expelled meconium and I was minutes from an emergency c-section. It could have so easily been me instead of Vicky mourning the loss of my sweet little girl. It's just too painful to even think about. I am sooooo lucky that I can hardly believe it. I think of Vicky every day. She's such a wonderful woman and it makes no sense to me why these things happen.

Since this post has already turned negative, I wanted to list somewhere while it's all fresh in my mind what I'd like to do differently with my next pregnancy.
-Get a doppler to use at home to hear the heartbeat. I think it would have really calmed me in the time before I felt baby movement and they aren't that expensive.
-Exercise more regularly. Maybe it would have moved Mina into a better position for delivery.
-Don't get my membranes stripped. That put me into labor and maybe Mina would have moved into a better position if she would have been given a few more days.
-Get the epidural sooner rather than later. I was in so much pain and puking that my body wasn't progressing (partly because of the back labor).
-Schedule a c-section if it's determined that the baby is in anterior position. I will not go through back labor and a forceps delivery again.
-Insist on an ultrasound near the end of pregnancy to determine baby's position.
-Get pregnant so that the due date is sometime in the spring or summer. That way I won't be stuck in the house with a small baby and toddler.

I truly enjoyed my pregnancy and there's very little I would change. The labor and delivery is where my regrets lie. However, I had no way of knowing what to expect since we didn't know Mina's position until it was too late.

6 Week Post Partum Appointment

TMI Ahead. I had my appointment yesterday and Dr. M said that I'm healing well. She said it'll still be quite a while before I'm completely healed. I didn't get the go ahead to have normal relations with Jon or to exercise. She said to wait at least a month since I still have a couple of stitches that haven't dissolved. At least the exam wasn't all that painful. I've been feeling better emotionally since last week. It helped to visit family and to have time with Jon last weekend. I miss him! I'm glad I'm not where I was at last year at this time. I was so worried that we'd never have a biological child and I'd never get to experience pregnancy. I loved being pregnant and I love being a mommy.

Mina has been a little sweetheart today. Here's a cute picture I took of her.

PPD, PTSD, or Normal?

I've been a little nutty the last week. I don't know if it's a touch of post partum depression, post traumatic stress disorder (yes, the labor experience was THAT bad), or just normal new mommy stuff. I have a lot of anxiety and stress over really little things. I get really angry at Jon for no reason or for reasons that he has no control over like his hours at work. I'm still in physical pain and can't walk for very long. My body hurts every other day and it seems to depend on whether TMI AHEAD! I've had a bowel movement recently or not. Today is one of those painful days so hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm not looking forward to the car ride to FD tonight, but at least I've learned my lesson and will bring a pillow to sit on. It's hard for me to believe that many women are intimate with their husbands at 6 weeks post partum. Even if I felt good physically, I'd still be tired and irrationally angry.

Mina's baptism is on Sunday. The cousins will get to meet Mina on Saturday and I'm excited about that. I haven't gotten to see them for a long time. They're a big reason I wanted a kid so bad. Seeing such wonderful kids will probably get me out of my funk for a little while. I enjoy the baby stage, but I still look forward to the toddler/child stage when we can interact more. Mina is smiling every day so it's only a matter of time until she laughs and baby talks.